Dear Debbie,

    I have a dilemma. On one hand, I want to speak up for myself; on the other hand I don’t. I am in a relationship where my partner has the power, has a terrible temper and always thinks they are right. What should I do?

 In a power relationship there is always a dynamic at play. In your situation, look to see what role you have stepped into. For example is it one of the victim or a child?  What feelings do you experience and what thoughts enter your mind?  Is one of your fears that if you speak up for yourself, your partner will leave? This negative internal dialogue drains your power. It also keeps you from being clear and centered. A good way to explore this situation is by first slowing yourself down.

When you feel your heart rate increase and your thoughts become scattered, take a few deep out breaths and get centered. Then ask yourself these two questions, How do I feel about what just happened? What role am I operating from? Notice what this situation reminds you of and what thoughts and feelings are arising.

Witness for yourself that this role is not just happening to you, you are actually stepping into it. Many thoughts will appear, and that’s ok, it’s not about dismissing these thoughts but rather not operating based on them. You always have a choice, do you want to believe the thoughts in your mind and react based on that illusion or do you want to change the dynamic and act according to the present facts.

In the end, whether you say something or not will not matter because you will be in touch with your internal power and that will make all the difference in your relationship.

Debbie

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy.