Dear Debbie,

   I was excited about starting a new business venture until one of my friends began making negative comments.  Unfortuneately, I now find myself losing enthusiasm for an opportunity that I have worked long and hard for.  I am hoping you can give me some insight as to why I become so affected by what other people say.

Affected in Pompano

Dear Affected,

   The reason you become so affected by what others say is because as human beings, we are all interconnected. People often serve as mirrors to ourselves, and therefore can show us things about ourselves that we have yet to acknowledge. When a negative or positive comment triggers you; it is a sign that something within you is sensitive to that particular point. Your sensitivity can be due to a past experience, a personal characteristic or a particular thought that you are trying to repress. Part of starting anything new, such as a business venture, consists of many emotions such as doubt, anxiety and fear of failure or success. We typically do not want to acknowledge these feelings; for fear that they may either hold us back or propel us forward in life. However, when you are not completely honest about your feelings, a similar thought expressed by someone else can easily trigger your emotions.  When you find yourself triggered by what others say, take the opportunity to explore yourself deeper. It will in turn help you to become more aware of all aspects of your situation and enable you to be honest about your fears, limitations and possibilities. Therefore, when someone makes a comment to you in the future, it will be easier for you to acknowledge what they have said, without becoming attached to it, since you have already worked through your emotions internally.  In reality, people will always make comments about your life that may or may not be accurate. You be the judge as to whether these comments resonate with your situation. Once you have done so, let go of any lingering doubt by focusing your attention on what you believe and remember, always remain true to yourself.

Debbie

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy.

Dear Debbie,

There is a lot of turmoil in my life and I can’t stop thinking about it.  How can I relax my mind so that I can think clearly and make good decisions?

TL

Dear TL,

When life is chaotic, it is difficult to relax your mind. You may be convinced that you can gain control and resolve the situation by constantly thinking about it. This belief often results in a merry go round of frenzied thoughts and wasted energy. Your mind overanalyzes in order to keep you detached from the present moment, which then diverts your attention from any strong emotions related to your situation.

It is important that you confront your feelings, since that will be the key to relaxing your mind and seeing your situation clearly. While going through your internal process, set aside some quiet time to meditate, go to the beach, exercise, really anything that works for you that would help change the energy.

Once you have shifted your energy, you can revisit your situation and examine the root of your turmoil. Honestly explore your situation and then define the steps that can be taken.

Differentiate between what you can and cannot change about your situation. Then focus your efforts on what you can realistically work on and release what is not in your realm of control. Regardless of how you got in this situation, it is important that you accept and embrace your reality.

This acceptance will bring you inner peace, help you connect to your intuition and enable you to make good decisions. It may be difficult at first to accept your situation, but once you do, no matter your circumstance, your life will improve.

Debbie Gottlieb, MSW

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy.

Dear Debbie

 I have a full time job but am unhappy and want to leave. I have thought about it for a while and applied for different positions, but nothing has materialized. Do you have any suggestions?

FT

Dear FT,

The first thing to do when creating something new for yourself, such as a new job, is to be clear about what you want.  A way to become clear is by writing it out, something I call, “writing your vision.”

Use all your senses to describe your vision as specifically as possible and in a way that if you read it to someone, they can visualize and feel it for themselves.

Start reading your vision aloud everyday.  Read it slowly, so that you are connected to what you are creating, and then release it. Letting go creates space for the universe to support you in turning your vision into a reality.

Creating your vision may trigger resistance in the form of thoughts, both discouraging and optimistic. It is important to let go of these thoughts even if they seem positive, since holding on stops the creative flow.

While waiting for your job to materialize, take the time to develop and enjoy the things that connect you to your vision.

For example, if your desire is to work as a chef, aside from looking for work and obtaining the necessary credentials, take the time to cook, experiment with interesting recipes and spices, etc.

Presently doing what you love will create a positive energy flow that will assist you in the creative process. Remember, creation happens every day, take the necessary steps to create the job you wish for; live you vision NOW and allow the rest to happen naturally.

Debbie Gottlieb, MSW

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy.

Dear Debbie,

   I am stressed! I have a good job and make a steady income but at the end of the month, I don’t have enough to pay my rent and manage my bills. I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. 

You have already taken a positive step toward wealth by acknowledging the fact that at the present time, you do not have enough money.

This acknowledgement is difficult, however very important. Many times with admittance, comes a strong emotional reaction, triggering internal thoughts about your lack of responsibility, self worth, etc.

This pattern causes stress and a low sense of self, which can permeate into negative feelings, prohibiting you from completely accepting your situation. The thought is that if you continue to worry, maybe the constant attention will somehow change your circumstance, unfortunately it does not. Instead, let all your emotions run its course, and stay grounded in the fact that you will make it.

Your financial situation is giving you the opportunity to explore your relationship with wealth and to grow as an individual. Therefore, ask yourself some questions.

How do you treat your money? Do you respect the fact that you have money? Does your money have value to you?  Do you know what you spend your money on?  Do you feel that you deserve to be wealthy? Taking the time to honestly explore your relationship with money will help you believe in your ability to receive and manage your wealth. Keep exploring until you uncover the realization that you deserve to have wealth and abundance in your life.

This realization will provide an abundance of positive energy that will allow you to manage your bills and find solutions to create the financial life you are seeking. It is possible; you deserve it, believe!

Debbie

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy. 

Dear Debbie,

    I have a dilemma. On one hand, I want to speak up for myself; on the other hand I don’t. I am in a relationship where my partner has the power, has a terrible temper and always thinks they are right. What should I do?

 In a power relationship there is always a dynamic at play. In your situation, look to see what role you have stepped into. For example is it one of the victim or a child?  What feelings do you experience and what thoughts enter your mind?  Is one of your fears that if you speak up for yourself, your partner will leave? This negative internal dialogue drains your power. It also keeps you from being clear and centered. A good way to explore this situation is by first slowing yourself down.

When you feel your heart rate increase and your thoughts become scattered, take a few deep out breaths and get centered. Then ask yourself these two questions, How do I feel about what just happened? What role am I operating from? Notice what this situation reminds you of and what thoughts and feelings are arising.

Witness for yourself that this role is not just happening to you, you are actually stepping into it. Many thoughts will appear, and that’s ok, it’s not about dismissing these thoughts but rather not operating based on them. You always have a choice, do you want to believe the thoughts in your mind and react based on that illusion or do you want to change the dynamic and act according to the present facts.

In the end, whether you say something or not will not matter because you will be in touch with your internal power and that will make all the difference in your relationship.

Debbie

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy. 

Dear Debbie,

I am dating someone who criticizes the way I look. I know that I am overweight and keep trying to lose it but to no avail.  How can I feel good about myselfwhen I look this way and know that the person I am with is dissatisfied?

SD

 Dear SD,

   The truth is that no one can make you feel bad about yourself, unless you let them. What that means is that because you are feeling bad about yourself, that energy is being passed on to the person you are dating. An energy vibration occurs in each of us that transfers to the people around us, therefore, when someone is positive and in a good space, you can feel it and vice-versa.  The first thing to do is to look at yourself honestly and say yes, I am overweight, I would like to lose weight but I am ok with who I am right now. Accepting the truth of the situation even if your desire is for it to be different, creates an energy vibration that will not only give you the strength to create something new, it will also show others that you, at this present moment are completely ok.  The reason that you are all right is because your present situation does not determine who you are, it is part of  your growth.                                                                                      

For example, a flower, in full bloom maintains the same intrinsic beauty as a flower that has withered;  it is flowing  with the evolution of nature. You too share the same reality as the flower; you are beautiful now in this moment of your evolution, and when you reach full bloom or rather slimness, that  will be beautiful as well.  Welcome this evolution. Learn life’s lessons at each point in  time and recognize that at this moment, just as you are, you are beautiful.

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy. 

Dear Debbie,

It seems as though every time I get close to what I want I become negative and sabotage myself. For example I was looking for a job, found exactly what I want and during the waiting period I became so negative in my thinking I think I ruined it by calling them too much and just putting out the wrong energy. Can you help? TS

Dear TS, 

It is true that the closer we get to what we want the more likely we will do something to sabotage it. The reason is often because the ego wants us to stay the way we are, so  that it can be in control.  Sabotage maintains the status quo, allowing what is to continue to exist.  For example, when you first make a decision it feels great and then the ego comes into play to tell you otherwise. Negative thoughts start entering your mind that has you second  guessing yourself, creating emotions like fear, guilt, etc.  These  emotions can become so  uncomfortable; you may feel the need to do something, like make that phone call again to alleviate the discomfort.  When making a decision your first initial gut reaction is important to remember, since what comes next is a trick of the ego.  We can be in control of our ego by becoming aware of its process. Once we are aware, we can then see the negative thoughts and emotions for what they are just sabotage. When a negative thought enters your mind, first ask yourself “Do I really want this to happen?” If your answer is no, you have a choice at that moment, to continue in the negative or to focus on your original intention. Taking a moment to close your eyes and visualize what it is that you want will create the positive energy and space for it to occur. This is the awareness needed to create what you want in your life.

Please be advised that the advice written in this column is not a substitution for psychotherapy.